Johnny, please don't be mad, but I really prefer the pirate suit

Lots o'pretending yesterday. First I pretended that I was being interviewed by Oprah. Then I pretended that Johnny Depp was sitting beside me on the couch while I was being interviewed by Oprah. Then I pretended that Johnny was so riveted by what I had to say while being interviewed by Oprah, that suddenly Oprah's incessant, demanding, tremulous questions became a distant white noise as Johnny and I "connected" on Oprah's couch. I told him all about my blog, and how I am a blogger, and how blogging is my life, and how if I didn't have a blog I would feel so weak and helpless and how I...I...I...OMG this is what he looked like when I was telling him about my mystical interiors.

Then I had to look at thousands of pictures of Johnny to find the perfect one to post with my pretend interview with Oprah, and it was excruciating to have to look at him for hours and hours trying to find the perfect pic to post and not be able to crawl into the computer and run my hands all over his sculpted marbleized "features". Because GOOD LORD would you look at this guy!

Can we just study him for a moment? Can we? Can we? Okay, can we study him for longer than a moment. Like maybe for an hour? Or maybe for a lifetime? Or maybe for an eternity? I mean what exactly is it that is so...so...so... LOOK AT HIM!!!

It's been a while since I wrote that Dear Johnny letter last summer. I remember how hard it was to write that letter. To tell him that he would always have a place in my heart, but it was time for us to go on our own separate journeys. I still remember every detail of him walking away from me, his perfect backside leaping onto a pirate ship, as I waved from the shoreline surrounded as always, by four wrestling boys and a mountain of laundry.

I still get weepy when I think about it. I wonder if I was too severe...too demanding...too abrupt. I wonder if I made him dress up in the pirate costume one too many times? And I wonder if he was upset when I said that I really preferred the pirate costume to the Harry potter glasses, the striped sweater, and the poor hat choice. I hate to be picky Johnny - but the pirate costume just really really suits you best. You were made to wear a pirate costume. And I was made to stare at you wearing a pirate costume. This is how the world is supposed to be.

But the world is not a perfect place is it Johnny? No, it's not. I am not really ever going to be interviewed by Oprah am I Johnny? No, I'm not. And you are not really ever going to settle down make a proper romantic comedy with Julia Roberts, are you Johnny? No, you're not. So the only place we can legitimately meet is in the Pirate movies and I hope to God they make another one soon. Even if it is as terrible as the last one, you know I will be there Johnny. Watching from the dark. Wearing a bad hat and an ugly red striped sweater. Paralyzed by your swagger and your speech and the little flying beads in your pirate hair. Until then Johnny - goodbye.